August 25

Nap Town

Back from a short weekend in Nap Town. (That’s Indy for all ye uninitiated.) I thought I should perhaps post again about the whole depression thing. While I often do feel lonely here in the woods, I also somehow feel at peace too. Being back in the city was fabuolous, and only makes me miss it more. However, being back also makes me realize how much of a gift this time away has been, and still will be. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but somehow, it just seems that way. I think it just makes me appreciate my family and friends, and also the parish there even more. It’s kind of like when you go on a family vacation, you have a ball, but by the end of the week (or two) you can think of a billion places you’d rather be than with your family, and you can’t wait until the vacation is over because they’re all about to drive you over that fine line between sanity and madness. How’s the old saying go, “You never miss something until it’s gone…” I find this to be more and more true; city life, family, friends, youth, innocence, Starbucks… (Had to throw that last one in. 🙂 )

I’m such a fickle creature. On the one hand I want peace and simplicity, yet I have a cell phone and computer; I take a rest in the country, and then pine for the city; I say I want to love the Lord God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and my neighbor as myself, and then go about forgetting Him and cursing my neighbor for interfering in MY life! I say that I want to give the Lord my whole life, and instead, I second guess Him as to what He’s doing with it. Why? Because it’s too painful! Why do I make these stipulations? I’ve thought more and more about this since Summer Camp. Our theme this year was Ephesians 5:1-2, and 1 Peter 4:8. It talks about “…living a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us…” The more I consider this verse, the more I’m ashamed of my own unwillingness to do that very thing. Christ gave Himslef up for us without any stipulations. He obeyed the Father in all things. His love was unconditional. My own love is so cheap compared to that! “Use me Lord; oh, but not in that way and this way. And, if at all possible, I’d like to avoid any pain and suffering.” Lord Have Mercy!

It seems that more and more this world is sliding into the abyss of self satisfaction and complete disregard for true love. Even modern Christianity is touched by it all. So much of what I see on T.V. or listen to on radio is about God giving us an annointing to amass wealth and power. Sure, it’s easy to follow God’s will for your life if it involves wealth and power. Wow. As blessed C.S. Lewis says, “Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud-pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

August 21

Depressed

It’s 5:30 a.m. and I’m wide awake, having gone to bed at 9:00 last night. It has occurred to me more and more lately that I’m depressed. I’m usually a pretty happy guy, but I miss my friends in the city. I really (arrogantly) thought that I’d do just fine here in the country, but apparantly that’s not the case. I’m always on the quest to know myself better, but most times I just fail miserably at it, and then wind up right here again. Depressed. Who was it that said, “Know thyself.” I’d like to thank him and then shoot him. Can you ever really KNOW yourself?
In doing some analysis, it seems that I thought I needed wide open spaces (and perhaps I do…to explore my dixie chic side…) but I am so energized being around other people. Hence, a city type setting, which can be stressful, but I love the options and the possibility of seeing people when I would like to. However, I am so calmed and at peace here in the woods as well, and often felt the sense in the city that I needed to get away. Perhaps I just need to set better boundaries. Ahhhh….the magic word. Janna gets on me all the time about having clear boundaries. I tend to say yes and no rather than, “I don’t know” or “I’ll think about it…” Get’s me into more trouble than anything else. And then, being here in this depressed space, I suddenly find myself wanting to turn to all the old passions to “pacify” what doesn’t feel so good in me. You know, kind of like giving candy to a spoiled kid. Sure, they’ll shut up, but you’ll only have reinforced the rotten character. Why do we do this to ourselves. “Satiate and gratify, feed yourself, believe the lie…” (Those are copyrighted lyrics, so hands off…) 😉 It seems that I live, perhaps with others in this pattern, on a continuous winding path. The only problem is that is just keeps going ’round. Over and over and over and over and over again; much like a broken carousel. I can deal with that if I only knew that it was slowly widing upwards; “further up and deeper in” to quote the blessed C.S. Lewis. However, most of the time it just feels like I’m endlessly spinning around, while being sucked to the outside of the circle and at some point, I’m gonna get sick and puke. Perhaps that’s what purgation is then…I get so tired of the loop and so dizzy and sick with sin that I have to spew it out in order to start again. Hmmm…confession…such a pain in the ass and yet a real blessing in such dismal times. Wisdom? Perhaps. At any rate, it’s lonely here…
Ooops…late for breakfast…the lady beckoneth me…

August 18

Tired

Ok, so I’m excited to begin blogging. However, it’s too late to begin now, and anything I might say might incriminate me for several things, so I suppose I should quit while I’m ahead. Peace and all good things!

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