21 August 2003


It’s 5:30 a.m. and I’m wide awake, having gone to bed at 9:00 last night. It has occurred to me more and more lately that I’m depressed. I’m usually a pretty happy guy, but I miss my friends in the city. I really (arrogantly) thought that I’d do just fine here in the country, but apparantly that’s not the case. I’m always on the quest to know myself better, but most times I just fail miserably at it, and then wind up right here again. Depressed. Who was it that said, “Know thyself.” I’d like to thank him and then shoot him. Can you ever really KNOW yourself?
In doing some analysis, it seems that I thought I needed wide open spaces (and perhaps I do…to explore my dixie chic side…) but I am so energized being around other people. Hence, a city type setting, which can be stressful, but I love the options and the possibility of seeing people when I would like to. However, I am so calmed and at peace here in the woods as well, and often felt the sense in the city that I needed to get away. Perhaps I just need to set better boundaries. Ahhhh….the magic word. Janna gets on me all the time about having clear boundaries. I tend to say yes and no rather than, “I don’t know” or “I’ll think about it…” Get’s me into more trouble than anything else. And then, being here in this depressed space, I suddenly find myself wanting to turn to all the old passions to “pacify” what doesn’t feel so good in me. You know, kind of like giving candy to a spoiled kid. Sure, they’ll shut up, but you’ll only have reinforced the rotten character. Why do we do this to ourselves. “Satiate and gratify, feed yourself, believe the lie…” (Those are copyrighted lyrics, so hands off…) 😉 It seems that I live, perhaps with others in this pattern, on a continuous winding path. The only problem is that is just keeps going ’round. Over and over and over and over and over again; much like a broken carousel. I can deal with that if I only knew that it was slowly widing upwards; “further up and deeper in” to quote the blessed C.S. Lewis. However, most of the time it just feels like I’m endlessly spinning around, while being sucked to the outside of the circle and at some point, I’m gonna get sick and puke. Perhaps that’s what purgation is then…I get so tired of the loop and so dizzy and sick with sin that I have to spew it out in order to start again. Hmmm…confession…such a pain in the ass and yet a real blessing in such dismal times. Wisdom? Perhaps. At any rate, it’s lonely here…
Ooops…late for breakfast…the lady beckoneth me…

18 August 2003


Ok, so I’m excited to begin blogging. However, it’s too late to begin now, and anything I might say might incriminate me for several things, so I suppose I should quit while I’m ahead. Peace and all good things!

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