21 August 2003

Depressed

It’s 5:30 a.m. and I’m wide awake, having gone to bed at 9:00 last night. It has occurred to me more and more lately that I’m depressed. I’m usually a pretty happy guy, but I miss my friends in the city. I really (arrogantly) thought that I’d do just fine here in the country, but apparantly that’s not the case. I’m always on the quest to know myself better, but most times I just fail miserably at it, and then wind up right here again. Depressed. Who was it that said, “Know thyself.” I’d like to thank him and then shoot him. Can you ever really KNOW yourself?
In doing some analysis, it seems that I thought I needed wide open spaces (and perhaps I do…to explore my dixie chic side…) but I am so energized being around other people. Hence, a city type setting, which can be stressful, but I love the options and the possibility of seeing people when I would like to. However, I am so calmed and at peace here in the woods as well, and often felt the sense in the city that I needed to get away. Perhaps I just need to set better boundaries. Ahhhh….the magic word. Janna gets on me all the time about having clear boundaries. I tend to say yes and no rather than, “I don’t know” or “I’ll think about it…” Get’s me into more trouble than anything else. And then, being here in this depressed space, I suddenly find myself wanting to turn to all the old passions to “pacify” what doesn’t feel so good in me. You know, kind of like giving candy to a spoiled kid. Sure, they’ll shut up, but you’ll only have reinforced the rotten character. Why do we do this to ourselves. “Satiate and gratify, feed yourself, believe the lie…” (Those are copyrighted lyrics, so hands off…) 😉 It seems that I live, perhaps with others in this pattern, on a continuous winding path. The only problem is that is just keeps going ’round. Over and over and over and over and over again; much like a broken carousel. I can deal with that if I only knew that it was slowly widing upwards; “further up and deeper in” to quote the blessed C.S. Lewis. However, most of the time it just feels like I’m endlessly spinning around, while being sucked to the outside of the circle and at some point, I’m gonna get sick and puke. Perhaps that’s what purgation is then…I get so tired of the loop and so dizzy and sick with sin that I have to spew it out in order to start again. Hmmm…confession…such a pain in the ass and yet a real blessing in such dismal times. Wisdom? Perhaps. At any rate, it’s lonely here…
Ooops…late for breakfast…the lady beckoneth me…



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Posted 21 August, 2003 by Luke Beecham in category "General", "Life

7 COMMENTS :

  1. By Eric Jewett on

    Luke my Good Friend! So this is blogging? It was ironic reading your message seeing as I am currently so badly desiring “wide open spaces” to get me away from the craziness and non-stop pace of this summer. I guess the grass always looks greener on the other side. Very interesting what you are going through, I wonder how many of us could actually deal with ourselves if we were to slow down and actually be still for a time. I can honestly say that I cannot relate with you at the moment. I have been interrupted about 5 times in the middle of typing this short reply to you….I can’t even fathom stillness or solitude or quietness in the morning….ahahahahahaha! My mind is constantly on what I haven’t accomplished and at the minute my mind slows down enough to perhaps think of something beyond my to do list, boom….something happens or something comes up. You know I think I might be depressed too, I just haven’t got around to it yet! Guess what…I have got to run to a meeting for an event on Saturday night….why did I agree to do this amidst everything else I had going?

    Hey, we are looking forward to getting together again with you and Janna soon, it will be fun to expound on experiences together then. Talk to you soon!

  2. By JoelThomas on

    It’s almost like you get a behind the scenes look of being a monk! (‘cept for the fact that you’re married) I guess it’s a give and take. I miss being in the country! But I don’t miss the convenience of the city. Struggle well, dear brother. Find peace while it surrounds you! And know that we all miss you here in Indy too.

  3. By Luke Seraphim on

    Thank’s! I will struggle and remember to be thankful. I usually have good days too, but sometimes the sun just don’t shine through…

  4. By Joshua Coolman on

    Hey Dude,

    I feel your pain. We should seek to know the extents and limits of our hearts. Then agian, Oscar Wilde once said that, “Only the shalow (can truly) know themselves.” Stew on that.

    Cheers,

    Josh

  5. By Luke Seraphim on

    Of course then…this begs the question…how shallow am I…hmmm….

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