Back from a short weekend in Nap Town. (That’s Indy for all ye uninitiated.) I thought I should perhaps post again about the whole depression thing. While I often do feel lonely here in the woods, I also somehow feel at peace too. Being back in the city was fabuolous, and only makes me miss it more. However, being back also makes me realize how much of a gift this time away has been, and still will be. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but somehow, it just seems that way. I think it just makes me appreciate my family and friends, and also the parish there even more. It’s kind of like when you go on a family vacation, you have a ball, but by the end of the week (or two) you can think of a billion places you’d rather be than with your family, and you can’t wait until the vacation is over because they’re all about to drive you over that fine line between sanity and madness. How’s the old saying go, “You never miss something until it’s gone…” I find this to be more and more true; city life, family, friends, youth, innocence, Starbucks… (Had to throw that last one in. 🙂 )
I’m such a fickle creature. On the one hand I want peace and simplicity, yet I have a cell phone and computer; I take a rest in the country, and then pine for the city; I say I want to love the Lord God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and my neighbor as myself, and then go about forgetting Him and cursing my neighbor for interfering in MY life! I say that I want to give the Lord my whole life, and instead, I second guess Him as to what He’s doing with it. Why? Because it’s too painful! Why do I make these stipulations? I’ve thought more and more about this since Summer Camp. Our theme this year was Ephesians 5:1-2, and 1 Peter 4:8. It talks about “…living a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us…” The more I consider this verse, the more I’m ashamed of my own unwillingness to do that very thing. Christ gave Himslef up for us without any stipulations. He obeyed the Father in all things. His love was unconditional. My own love is so cheap compared to that! “Use me Lord; oh, but not in that way and this way. And, if at all possible, I’d like to avoid any pain and suffering.” Lord Have Mercy!
It seems that more and more this world is sliding into the abyss of self satisfaction and complete disregard for true love. Even modern Christianity is touched by it all. So much of what I see on T.V. or listen to on radio is about God giving us an annointing to amass wealth and power. Sure, it’s easy to follow God’s will for your life if it involves wealth and power. Wow. As blessed C.S. Lewis says, “Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud-pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
This post seems to mirror my own struggles precisely. We do not have the strength on our own. “O God grant me to greet the coming day in peace. Help me in all things to rely upon Your holy will..” and so we learn our place. A conscious constant stance before God in gratitude and humility. We do all (good) through Christ who strengthens us.
Always. It’s the standing part that’s hard. I find that most times I just fall…