Seraphim Sighs & Wanders

Shepherds or Butchers?

Luke Beecham — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 03:36:13 +0000

Clericalism suffocates; it makes part of itself into the whole sacred character of the Church; it makes its power a sacred power to control, to lead, to administer; a power to perform sacraments, and, in general, it makes any power a power given to me! Clericalism separates all “sacredness” from the lay people: the iconostasis, communion (only by permission), theology. In short, clericalism is de facto denial of the Church as the body of Christ, for in the body, all organs are related and different only in their functions, but not in their essence. And the more clericalism clericalizes (the traditional image of the bishop or the priest emphasized by his clothes, hair, e.g., the bishop in full regalia!) the more the Church itself becomes more worldly; spiritually submits itself to this world. In the New Testament, the priest is presented as the ideal layman. But almost immediately there begins his increasingly radical separation from the lay people; and not only separation, but opposition to lay people, contrast to them. The tragedy of theological education lies in the fact that young people who seek priesthood are consciously or unconsciously seeking this separation, power, this rising above the laity. Their thirst is strengthened and generated by the whole system of theological education, of clericalism. ~Fr. Alexander Schmemann [Journals, pp. 310 & 311]

Fr. Alexander had a way of cutting to the core of things that I have always found refreshing. Having read, and enjoyed, many of his books, I found his journals (published posthumously) to be the one of the most honest and refreshing things I have ever read from an Orthodox clergyman. In the section above, as on other occasions, he reflects on clericalism, specifically from the vantage point of the Dean of a seminary, having seen scores of young men pass through the doors of his institution, many times I’m sure after the wrong things.

I have had the opportunity of late to reflect on a number of things, primarily due to the lack of the presence of children in my home (and thus an abundance of silence) but also due to their departure, a more pensive and introspective demeanor. At the forefront of that has been my decade long struggle of whether or not to enter seminary and proceed down the path towards ordination to the diaconate and priesthood. My wife and I are at a unique crossroads, and now certainly seems like the time to continue down the path, should that be what we hear God beckoning us to. However, as is often the case with reflection and contemplation, I find myself in a very different place than I was even two to three months ago.

I’ve always “felt” a calling to ministry, even as a young boy, and that desire and direction has never ceased. I left home at 18 to pursue a sort of seminary and attempt to fulfill what I perceived to be the end of that road. However, life, as it always does, took several twists and turns that I would never have planned on, and I am not a priest, but rather, a married (and merry) irreverent, impious, oft rebellious, Subdeacon-Camp Director-Youth Pastor-Musician-Computer Support….Guy.

As I looked back over my past desire/longing/neurosis over seminary and ordination I finally had to take stock of why this was so important to me – not just the ministry & pastoring part, but the ordination part. My spiritual father once remarked to me “Well, the desire to serve Christ as an ordained priest in and of itself is not bad, but for you, this is seemingly very important, and we must get to the bottom of what that’s about. We’ll talk about that at some point.” Have I ever really heard a call to serve, or have I just always tried to please those whom I admire? Have I ever really wanted to be a truly humble servant, or do I simply want to be admired, recognized, and well thought of? Is it “me as Christ,” or “Christ in me?” Have others actually seen a call on my life, or have they simply seen good leadership qualities? Is it simply charisma or is it a calling? (And there is a difference…)

It seems to me that many young men that pursue a vocation to the priesthood are often, as Fr. Schmemann so aptly put it above, seeking a vainglorious separation from the laity and an elevation to a position of power and attention. In our fallen, prideful, arrogant humanity, we associate any calling with what we perceive to be the ultimate realization of that path – ordination to the priesthood. However, this is not always so. We are often being given specific tasks in this life by God, the execution of which are not based solely on one’s rank and title. Clericalism however, mandates that one must achieve that elevation in order to be acknowledged. In other words, “I must have the recognition of man via the external form of ordination to major clergy in order to be noticed and allowed to minister.” Sadly however, this is based on all the wrong things, absolutely inaccurate, and in the end, unless these ideas and arrogance are shed, one runs the very real and present danger of becoming something other than a priest and shepherd to the flock of Christ – one becomes a butcher.

Fr. Thomas Hopko tells the following story:

I was at a conference once where a priest who was giving a presentation on Christ as the Good Shepherd made the comment that the sheep follow the shepherd willingly, even in modern day shepherding in the Middle East, the sheep still follow the shepherd willingly. A detractor in the audience said to the priest, “That’s not true – I’ve been there – I’ve seen it!” The priest replied, “No, it’s true! The sheep follow him – they follow the shepherd!” The detractor said again, “No! It’s not true! I’ve been there! I was there and there was this guy and he was beatin’ these sheep and trying to force them to go where he wanted them to, and they were all afraid of him, and he kept beatin’ the sheep and trying to force them to move!” The priest then replied, “Oh, well yeah, you did see it, only, there’s one thing – that wasn’t the shepherd…that was the butcher.”

Shepherds and Butchers – a very stark difference. It seems to me that, while the Scriptures say that “many are called, but few are chosen”, the opposite is true in the church today. We have a clerical conundrum that has produced an abundance of clergymen, who despite their best intentions, have not been taught to pastor and care for the sick, suffering, widows, orphans, and the lost, but rather to preserve the Faith, educate the ignorant, and grow the Church using whatever means necessary, and who are often unable to relate to lay people with any sort of reverence and respect as a part of the whole Body of Christ. These men often go on to become butchers – pushing and prodding the people towards God, using guilt, shame, fear, and coercion to keep the flock moving, all the while wondering why there is no joy and why the sheep seem downcast and sullen. This inevitably leaves the priest in an egotistical narcissistic mess where they are the only one’s capable of teaching, preaching, and guiding the people, while consistently overlooking those whom God has put in their parishes, all of whom have a part to play, gifts to give (other than monetary), and who often need only the encouragement of the priest to step up and fulfill their own role in the Church. In the end, this path can only lead a short number of places, including burnout, apostasy, insanity, and the worst possible, indifference, plodding slowly and surely onward into Hell. I am certain that megalomania and workaholism is not what Jesus had in mind when he said “feed my sheep.”

This is indeed where I myself was heading until, as He often does, God got my attention through a small incident a couple of weeks ago. Having run youth camps for over a decade now, and having delighted in nearly every aspect of that job, I found myself often desiring “more” and wanting to “take the next step towards elevation” (another word that is totally contrary to the Gospels.) I ignorantly assumed that, in order to continue to pursue this call, I must give up a ministry that I’m certain I was meant for and that has brought me an immense amount of joy over the years, not to mention has grown me up in ways unimaginable. I also irreverently believed that, while what I’ve been doing is good, in order to really pastor people, I needed to become a priest, and begged God to make it so. Then I visited a little parish in Kentucky, where several of my “camp kids” attend, and realized rather quickly, through their excitement and joy to see the “camp director”, be he a priest or not, that I’m already doing precisely what I’m called to, and to leave that behind in pursuit of anything else would be in error. Truly, “out of the mouths of little ones”…. I was rendered speechless, and was left ashamed and reeling, and in the end repentant of my arrogance and ignorance and oversight of “the least of these” that the Lord directly put in my life. This is not to say that somewhere down the road things won’t change, but seeking ordination for the wrong reasons would be worse than never having sought it at all.

God does indeed call people to be His priests, and there are many very good priests. However, if the Church is to grow, and if people are to be cared for, then the issue of clericalism must be addressed. There are many young men who are pushed, prodded, and “encouraged” towards seminary and priesthood, and guided (even innocently) to give up things that perhaps they’ve been called to already – all of which gives the impression that the priesthood is the end all-be all of church service. (And of course, this says nothing of the role that women must fulfill and how they are treated…but that’s a whole other post…)

The Lord put us here as His hands and feet, and that includes all members of the body, with no special significance given to one member over another. The difference is only in the role that they play, and each role must be encouraged to do it’s task with the utmost effort and sincerity. In the end, we will not be judged based on what men have said about us, or what recognition we have gained, but how well we did our work – that task that God gifted us with and made us specifically able to do. In the end it won’t matter whether or not I was a priest, a deacon, a subdeacon, a reader, a youth pastor, camp director, etc. in my lifetime. It WILL matter what KIND of priest, deacon, subdeacon, reader, youth pastor, camp director, etc., I was, and whether or not I did whatever task I was given to the best of my ability and with the God-given gifts afforded me. If I, and if we all, are to fulfill Jesus’s words to “feed my sheep”, then we must always focus on being shepherds modeled after the One True Shepherd, giving those around us a voice and direction to follow, and never leaving anyone behind, remembering that “the Shepherd lays down His life for His sheep.” Otherwise, all the titles and awards given in this life will be nothing more than a butcher’s trinkets and the flashy insignia that distract us from God, and ultimately will become all the little weights that quietly drag us down to hell.

I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep. … I am the good shepherd; and I know My sheep, and am known by My own. As the Father knows Me, even so I know the Father; and I lay down My life for the sheep. And other sheep I have which are not of this fold; them also I must bring, and they will hear My voice; and there will be one flock and one shepherd. ~John 10:11,14-16

The Seduction of Being Right

Luke Beecham — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 02:27:45 +0000

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It never was between you and them anyway. ~Mother Teresa

There are many ways that the Enemy seduces men into falling away from God. One of the more sinister and silent is the seduction of being “right” and placing oneself above others. Basically, it’s the sin of vainglory and nothing more than the original sin of pride. That’s not to say that there is no truth and no right or wrong. It’s simply to say that mankind can often follow a sad preoccupation with being “right” about things, and finding comfort in being part of the “right” group, rather than solace in God. I am an Orthodox Christian, in the classical and canonical sense, and I’m grateful and happy to be so. There is sanity to be found in Orthodoxy, especially with more and more Christians apostasizing from the ancient faith than ever before. However, I’m sitting here thinking about Orthodoxy, and about growing up Evangelical Orthodox, and then joining the OCA and about where I’m at right now. I keep thinking about the danger of being preoccupied with being “right”. I don’t mean searching for the Truth, but more the need to be right and have a “security” in feeling a part of THE Church and an adherent to the “right” way. I’m all for orthodoxy and the Truth, but it seems to me that a large portion of time is spent on debating and defining that truth. Jesus is the answer and the Church is His body, and ultimately the Gospel and the commandments are very simple – Love the Lord God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself. And, also, as St. James says, “…pure religion is this: to take care of orphans and widows in their suffering, and to keep oneself from being corrupted by the world.”

What does it all mean? I ‘m 32 and tired. I’ve spent the better part of the last 20 years listening to people argue about how to worship God, how to praise Jesus, the proper way to worship, and how to be the Church. I’ve been in worship that was liturgical and not, instrumental and not, reserved and charismatic. All in all, yes, I do have an opinion and I do think there is a type of liturgical worship as defined by the Heavenly Temple, however I do also think that the saints and angels dance and sing praises to God. I’ve listened for many, many years to people endlessly debate the Orthodoxy of things and I’m sick to death of it. It is very much like listening to a broken record, with the same phrase in the same track being forever stuck in an endless loop. I’m not in any way sick of true Orthodoxy, but really it has already been defined. There are very simple things that the Church has believed everywhere, always, by all believers. These things are not too numerous to count, and are written down in plain language and are available for anyone to read. (Really, they are…look it up.)

It seems interesting to me that what eventually happens in churches, is that people focus less on actually worshiping and ministering to the poor, hungry, naked, prisoners, sick, orphans and widows, and much more on HOW to do those things. The physical act of doing them gets upstaged by the process itself, and eventually not much gets done but having meetings about how to do them. I look around at just my own life and my own journey and I see hunger everywhere – especially spiritual hunger. Not just for the ancient faith and the Truth, but for a purpose. The people are hungry for action, and especially the young people; they need more than just mere words. And yet there is a hunger that is also nearly as insatiable – the craving for correctness and conformity. There is a demonic desire to feel a part of THE pack and on the right side, often at the expense of the basic commandments. My dad recently told me a story about calling a vestment maker to order a new phelonion for himself. The tailor asked him what church he was from and my father replied “St. Paul’s Evangelical Orthodox Church” without much thought. After a few moments of silence the tailor shot back, “OH, well I only make vestments for canonical Orthodox people. Sorry.” He then promptly hung up. My father laughed to himself and thought, “Well, then I guess you won’t be getting my business.” I’m sure the tailor in question thought he was doing the right thing, but in the end his focus on being “right” led to treating someone else rudely without reason, it cost him a sale, and it certainly said volumes about his charity to those outside his church.

Being a youth pastor and camp director, one of things I’ve consistently seen over the last 10 years is that the youth want to experience the kingdom and physically live as Jesus and his disciples lived. However, they often get disillusioned with what they see the Church do, or more often, fail to do. Most of the youth in Western Society have been given everything they could possibly want from a young age on and they are incredibly bored. And all of us – all of us – have been saturated with media, sex, violence, and above all a virtual life and a virtual reality. People are hungry for something that is real, because deep down we all know that there has to be something more than the fights, gossip, lies, drama and staged emotions of modern programming. People are starved for true relationships and real life, and thus they are starved for real and selfless love. They are starved for real and good risk, danger, and the possibility of feeling something other than the abysmal emptiness and loneliness that pervades modern culture. Despite new technologies and the myth that “distances are shrinking”, we are growing further apart and are starved for true communication and true relationships; those not defined by a projected image and a virtual life. If you doubt that this is the case, I challenge you to watch an hour’s worth of random videos on YouTube or Ebaum’s World. I see youth (and this is no longer defined by ages 11 and up – it’s easily defined by adolescents between the ages of 11 – 26 or older…) with a demonic love for the extreme and a penchant for voyeurism and the archiving of someone else’s pain.

And then I see those that are asleep, lulled by the siren song of our world into sleeping away their lives. As Elie Wiesel put it, “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.” People are asleep and indifferent to what is going on around them. And it’s not just indifference to suffering. It’s indifference to corruption and greed, indifference to environmental crisis and a swiftly declining planet, and indifference to the level of sexual depravity and growing isolation of those around them, indifference to the losing of freedoms in the name of “order” and “the greater good”, while the least of these get overlooked in such a system.

I too am hungry. I too have been asleep and am aware of my own hunger for reality in this technological and lonely milieu. I too have been preoccupied with being “right” and far too little occupied with being God’s. All in all, I am now, and I always have been hungry for the Church – for the people of God who follow in the footsteps of the radical Jesus to challenge the prescribed system of juridical rights and who take care of the lost, the broken, the hungry, the poor and impoverished, the sick and imprisoned, the orphan and widow – the least of these my brethren. I submit that we all – all who have a similar hunger gnawing at them – rise up and do as such, no matter where you’re at. It has to start with “me” and no one else. I can gripe and complain all I want, but ultimately, it does nothing. If I don’t take care of people, then who else will? If you don’t take care of those around you, who else will? Don’t let the seduction of being right deter you from the original commandment. Don’t ever cease to seek after God and the Church. Don’t fall for the parlor tricks or the distractions that the Enemy throws at us. I don’t think the Gospel is negotiable, debatable, allegorical, or metaphorical – I think Jesus meant it when He said, “Go and do likewise.” There is truth and there is right and wrong, and there is freedom in Christ, but above all of this, there is Love, plain and simple, and it’s up to us to live it out. “But how?” you might ask. As a wise father of the Church once said, “Just desire this with all your heart and God will see that it gets done.” If we spend our time in doing the will of our Father, the rest will be worked out in time, and we will be the better for having set our sights on Him and for doing the work of loving our neighbor as ourselves – for indeed true Love knows no other option.

God give us the strength.

Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’ Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’ ~Matthew 25:34-40

Do not deceive yourselves by just listening to his word; instead, put it into practice. If you listen to the word, but do not put it into practice you are like people who look in a mirror and see themselves as they are. They take a good look at themselves and then go away and at once forget what they look like. But if you look closely into the perfect law that sets people free, and keep on paying attention to it and do not simply listen and then forget it, but put it into practice – you will be blessed by God in what you do. Do any of you think you are religious? If you do not control your tongue, your religion is worthless and you deceive yourself. What God the Father considers to be pure and genuine religion is this: to take care of orphans and widows in their suffering and to keep oneself from being corrupted by the world. ~James 1:22-27

Robert Nesta Marley & Thank You Lord

Luke Beecham — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 22:27:20 +0000

Be joyful always, pray at all times, be thankful in all circumstances. This is what God wants from you in your life in union with Christ Jesus. ~1 Thess. 5:16-18

Let me start off by saying I’m a Bob Marley fan. Do with that what you will. No, I’m not Rastafarian. No, I’m not a white guy trying to be cool. No, I don’t sit around and smoke a lot of herb. I like music and I like Bob. I like his message and I like what he stood for. I like that he tried to fulfill the greatest commandment to “love God with your whole heart, and love your neighbor as yourself.” It’s tough to find any celebrity that strives for that, especially after fame and fortune hits them.

I’m a musician, and as such, I listen to a lot of different kinds of music. There have always been certain artists however that hold a more prominent place in my listening catalog and to whom I have listened more profusely than others. Among those would certainly be Bill Mallonee, Rich Mullins, Phil Keaggy, and of course, Bob Marley. Strange mix? Perhaps, but these are artists who have always impressed me, either lyrically, instrumentally, or both, and have said something to me with their music. Music is interesting in that nearly every culture and every type of people on earth understand it. It’s the universal language. I think that most likely, while I aspire to be able to speak several different languages, I put all my effort instead into writing and playing music. A good artist, like those above, can paint a picture and give you a glimpse into something that words alone can be hard pressed to define, but with music, those words come alive. Music can set moods, change tones, and can transport you to another place and time. It can send a message, reflect on an issue or a person, or calm a weary soul. Bob’s music has always been like that to me. His songs are often simple, with no more than a few chords and easy riffs, but along with the words, they are deep. Simple words and simple tunes are what stick with me the most, and I suspect with most people. It doesn’t matter how many times I hear a G-C-D, or E-A-B chord progression, if played in a certain rhythm with the right lyrics, it’s always catching, and it’s easy to remember.

I suspect most people have heard of and most likely listened to a Bob song in their life, and I suspect they enjoyed it. His music has a way of reaching into your soul and speaking directly to the earth of it and stirrin’ it up. I’ve listened to most of his songs and possess most of them, or at least, I thought I did until a wedding I DJ’d this past weekend in Kentucky. The bride and groom chose, as their “First Dance” song, the Bob Marley tune “Thank You Lord.” I looked through my catalog of RNM tunes and to my utter dismay…I didn’t have it. What was this?!? I had to find it! Thanks be to Google for pointing me in the right direction. Turns out it’s on the “Songs of Freedom” compilation album and not a part of other collections or studio albums. I found it, bought it, and immediately loved it. What a song – again, simple, pure, and full of thanksgiving, and it hit me right where I was at and stirred me up, and I gave thanks to God. Given my last two posts I thought it befitting to share this one with you, as not everything is gloomy and difficult, and this song reflects much of what I feel irregardless of what else may be surrounding me. Thank you Wes & Lauren for introducing me to this song, thank you Bob for singing with your soul, and thank you God for the music you put in us all!

And now, it’s your turn – sit back, turn up the volume, press play, and close your eyes and be carried away by this simple chorus, giving thanks to God for all things. Have a great weekend!

Thank you Lord!

Thank you, Lord, for what you’ve done for me.
Thank you, Lord, for what you’re doing now.
Thank you, Lord, for ev’ry little thing.
Thank you, Lord, for you made me sing.

Say I’m in no competition,
But I made my decision.
You can keep your opinion.
I’m just calling on the wise man’s communion.

Thank you, Lord, for what you’ve done for me.
Thank you, Lord, for what you’re doing now.
Thank you, Lord, for ev’ry little thing.
Thank you, Lord, for you made me sing.

Sing along, sing along.

I don’t fear their humiliation,
Just to prove my determination.
I don’t yield to temptation,
I haven’t learn’t my lesson in Revelation.

Thank you, Lord, for what you’ve done for me.
Thank you, Lord, for what you’re doing now.
Thank you, Lord, for ev’ry little thing.
Thank you, Lord, for you made me sing.

Sing along, sing along.

Say I’m in no competition
But I made my decision,
Lord, in my simple way.
Comin’, comin’, comin’, comin’.
I love to pray.

Thank you, Lord, for what you’ve done for me.
Thank you, Lord, for what you’re doing now.
Thank you, Lord, for ev’ry little thing.

Sleep My Little Ones, Sleep

Luke Beecham — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 20:09:10 +0000

Songs and simple writing have not come easily these past few years. Not sure if it was writer’s block or just a lack of ability to set them free. I commented to my wife several times that I could feel the songs and pages in the book somewhere in there, but was having difficulty putting them to paper, like a stopper was in place. At any rate, it would seem that it’s been removed and they’re starting to flow. Grief does that I suppose – it leaves you with few options, most of which are not beneficial or compatible with staying out of jail, and besides, it must be faced, again and again – love leaves no other option. Anything less is fear driven self-centeredness and profits nothing, as my friend G. would say. So writing again is good, and liberating, and it’s cheaper than therapy, healthier than drinking sorrows away, and safer than drugs, so…bonus! Grace often comes not by immediate answers to my temper tantrums at God, but rather in the little things He whispers when I’m still and listening. I don’t sleep well as a rule, and so I often sneak out of bed after the wifey is asleep. (She once commented, “I imagine you have this whole other life after I’m asleep…” I do.)

Sometimes I go outside and just stand there in the night air and let the country bliss sink in. These are some new lyrics that came out late at night while standing outside my home in beautiful rural Indiana, looking up and wondering what the kids were doing, and secretly hoping that they were hearing the same music and whispers I was hearing, miles away in their beds. I do miss singing to them, so I figured, distance is nothing – I’ll sing anyway, and let the wind carry the song all the way to West Indy. Glory to God for all things!

the stars they really shine tonight
moon eclipsed and venus bright
and though my head try as it might
it never can forget

i stood there for quite some time
and let the silence fill my mind
my heart let out an aching sigh
that rose up to my lips

sleep on my little ones sleep
memories drip down on my cheeks
but love can cross this distance wide
so sleep my little ones sleep

leafy whispers fill the air
solemn pines give solace here
and I am letting go of care
and drifting off to sleep

Gabriel lift me to my bed
and let these visions in my head
fill my dreams with joy instead
of overwhelming grief

sleep on my little ones sleep
and in your hearts our love do keep
life is short and time it fleets
so sleep my little ones sleep

for all of this it soon shall pass
and even good things rarely last
present moving on to past
so sleep my little ones sleep

sleep my little ones sleep

Fall…Falling…Fallen…

Luke Beecham — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 04:48:22 +0000

It’s officially Autumn, or in the more common nomenclature, Fall. Fall is my favorite season, which is somewhat surprising given my feelings for the season that follows. But following season or not, this is now Fall – the time of year when everything winds down, the fields give up their bountiful harvest, and the leaves begin their slow descent to the ground from which they were originally nourished. Much of the Northern Hemisphere goes into a deep slumber, and waits, for the eventual Spring that will come in time. We call this season Fall and that term sums up more than what happens to the leaves on the trees. Nature herself gives us a reminder of the ultimate cycle of life we must all follow, over and over and over, until, in the end, we complete it one last time. I love this season primarily because of all that it reminds me of – sticky fingers full of caramel apple goodness, clothes covered in the prickly remnants of a well executed pile dive, the diesel hum and creaking tongue of night time hayrides in the cold night air, and the slow moving warm tingle of hot cider and extremity melting bonfire at the end. It’s the time of pumpkin pies and family gatherings, new classes and old friends, bluest skies and crisp colors everywhere, and the land sighing in relief at the end of a hot Summer. However, I also love this season because, while the Earth around me seems to be preparing for a long Winter’s nap, I always seem to be waking up from one. I don’t know if it’s all that I mentioned above, or the abundant Fall sunshine in this part of the world, or if it’s the reminder of my own mortality, but this happens every year. This year’s Fall however has brought with it something very different than years past. This is Fall, and true to nature and the word, something has fallen in my life, and with it have come difficult new changes into my own little world.

Summer ended quickly and painfully for my wife and I. At a time when most families are gearing up for the new school year, and getting back into normal routines, we were doing the opposite. We were saying goodbye to the 3 Godchildren who had come to live with us nearly 3 years ago. They were returning to their biological mother and starting a new life without us, and all of our usual routine was being chucked out the window and we were left spinning, like leaves tumbling to the ground below. In the weeks that have followed I’ve found myself very lost, falling as it were, to an unseen future, and now 2 months and 2 days later I’m finally able to come to the conclusion that I’ve fallen, and hit the cold earth of reality at long last. I miss my old home with my colorful little leaves up above, soaring so high in the breeze, and feeling life blow past us. I miss the sound of their singing, and the beautiful music we made together. I thought it would never end. When the tree that was our anchor let us all go, I didn’t understand. Spinning, floating, falling, we were all separated, and I was very frightened. Things lost their luster and life became lonely and sad. All I could think about was how to get back up the tree – how to make it sway again, and how to regain that old feeling and that old life. But there was nothing of it, and no way to get back up. I’ve fallen. And what is a fallen leaf to do? What is a fallen man to do?

Like all the little leaves, all I could see before me is Winter – cold, gray, and ominous on the horizon, bringing with it death and darkness. There’s so many things I miss about the kids, so many things I want to tell them, so much left to do. I miss their noise, and I miss their laughter. I miss it when they talk back to me and when they leave their stuff all over and I trip on it. I miss their smiles and their frowns and I miss the feel of their hair in my fingers in the morning, and most of all, I miss the wonder and joy they brought with them. I miss them. But they’re not coming back and that season of my life is over, and all that’s left is a fallen man wondering where my Maker is and why He is seemingly quiet and letting me lie here, lost and thrown about by the cold winds of grief and despair.

I was looking through some old things today and found an old book of poems from when I was an 8th grade geek, pimply and filled with angst, wondering why my Maker wouldn’t take away my zits or make the hot girl in the third row notice me. The book was filled with both poems I had composed and some that I had clipped from various books. I had unearthed it a few months back to show to my godson when he was working on composing his own poems for an assignment, and then shoved it in my nightstand in hopes of coming back to it later. Tonight just happened to be later. In it I found two poems (below) I had copied and pasted (literally) into the book – poems an 8th grade boy should find no interest in – but lo and behold they were there nonetheless. Perhaps it was God, intervening in the life of a Junior High dreamer and guiding his hand, knowing that 20 years later he would be asking for an answer, a sign or something, and he would read it again and it would undo him. I have been undone – but you know, just like the leaves that fall, are falling, and have fallen, colorful as they once were, being undone is often the only way to be made whole again and grow anew when the seasons change.

God, may it be so.

When little things would irk me, and I grow
Impatient with my dear ones, make me know
How in a moment joy can take its flight
And happiness be quenched in endless night.
Keep this thought with me all the livelong day
That I may guard the harsh words I might say
When I would fret and grumble, fiery hot,
At trifles that tomorrow are forgot -
Let me remember, Lord, how it would be
If these, my loved ones, were not here with me. ~ Author Unknown

May His Counsels Sweet uphold you,
And His Loving Arms enfold you,
As you journey on your way.
May His Sheltering Wings protect you,
And His Light Divine direct you,
Turning darkness into day.
May His Potent Peace surround you,
And His Presence linger with you,
As your inner, golden ray. ~Author Unknown