“It was when I was happiest that I longed most. The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing to find the place where all the beauty came from.” ~C.S. Lewis

It’s time for Summer Camp again, and once again I find myself full of longing. It’s not always around Camp time, but it does seem to get stronger at this time of year. The quote from Lewis, above, sums it up better than I could ever say it. Jack has a way of doing that.

Perhaps some of you can relate, and perhaps not. Perhaps I’m truly crazy, but so many times throughout my life I have had such a strong sense of longing – a longing to see “home” – not to leave this life that is so wonderful, but to get back to where it is that I came from. I know I’ve said these things before, probably too often, but it is what it is and I can’t seem to shake it. God seems so close and yet sometimes so far away. Heaven is there and yet I can’t quite seem to grasp it. The way a tree sways, or a scent on the breeze in mid-summer, or even the color of the azure sky; all of these can sometimes have an ethereal feeling about them. There are times when many of these things remind me of something, and it’s not a nostalgic feeling but much more of a longing. The imprint of Eden remains despite the corruption that exists, and I can see it through what would seem to be a very thin veil.

I think others feel this way as well. I find myself surrounded by artists and musicians, poets and writers, all of whom feel lost, disillusioned, and like they’re not fulfilling their own purpose. We all believe and are often able to see, even if in nothing more than a glimpse, the influence of God all around us. And yet, we continue to drudge along at jobs that stifle, and stay silent at churches that are asleep.

So many people are burnt out and frustrated with the “church” and the consistent disappointment in the selling out of the Gospel for a multitude of things – greed, comfort, complacency, etc. In my own experience, many churches often can’t get past their own inner issues and self-centered defense of their own credo in order to take care of the orphans, widows, naked, hungry and disparaged, and encourage those in and around them to wake up and LIVE.

And of course, I am chief of all this. I am the first among the slothful, lazy Christians. I am walking around many times as if in a dream, or in a stupor that I am here, wondering what it is that I am supposed to be doing. And while this is frustrating, still there is this longing; the longing for things to be different, and not because my ideal says that they should be, but because I know that they can be, and in fact ARE.

I think that’s the key actually, and the real reason for this post. I want to remember. My heart knows more than my head, and I want to shake this amnesia and remember who I am and where I’m going. I think one of the primary reasons for the overall poor mental health, depression, and general insanity in the our culture is that people integrally know that things can and should be very different. Although the modern world insists that we are free and only achieving more freedom, with every step it would seem that we are forming one more link in the chains that bind us to this mortal coil. Instead of freedoms we wrap ourselves tighter in the cloak of oppression in the name of comfort, financial gain, and peace for the world. We know that things could and should be different, and we know that Paradise is attainable because a part of us remembers it, and not just a self projected version of it, but actually remembers it.

I don’t know what any of this means, but I know that God fills my heart and soul with His Spirit and I’m not the same. I’ve never been the same. I am filled consistently with a longing for something more – something other – something that does not have it’s roots in this broken and fallen world. There is a longing that is beyond words, and it fills me with, as Jack Lewis said, a longing to find where the beauty came from. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this place exists – I have but to reach for it and keep my eyes fixed, and it will be revealed.

The time for compromises is over for this generation. We have the potential for so much and yet we are also the most full of laziness and complacency. Action is what matters – talk is indeed cheap. The current political milieu proves this with soul-shuddering clarity. True love shows itself in action. Today is the day of salvation and while I have no clue which way to go, I know I must move ahead. There is a glimpse of God in the glimmer of my wife’s eye, the joy and vigor in my God-children, the wonderful wet earthy smell of early Summer mornings, and the sun’s rays reflecting off of the river on my way to work. There is the reminder of God’s grace and mercy and guidance through the reading of old books. And there is the beauty of God in the midst of the sanctuary and the love present in His people.

This is all that is needed to shine the light and show the way Down the Path.

I’ve no idea where it will lead, but I’m increasingly sure of the fact that as the Psalms say, “I’ve never seen the righteous forsaken…” I can’t sort all of this out in my head, but I know that God is faithful and will reveal enough light for the next step.

Summer Camp approacheth, and while I feel significantly behind in my planning, I’m infinitely ebullient about this year and what it will hold. We will fellowship, play, learn, worship, sing, and pray together. We will share our lives, good and bad together, with one another. And above all, God will be there and the Holy Spirit will come upon us, and we will be filled – and it will be enough.

It is enough Lord, it is enough. Help me to see where it is that the Light comes from, give me the strength to reach out and touch It, and fill me with courage to share It with others.

You are the Light, and we need but a spark.

It is damp and dreary here in West Indy, but the flowers on my porch and in my yard are in full bloom, and that makes all the difference. I’m sure some hate the thought of “yard work” or anything to do with planting and keeping something growing alive, but for me it’s bliss to have a few hours alone with nothing more than dirt, plants, and silence. I haven’t always been this way, but the older I’ve gotten, and the more chaotic things are with the rest of life, the more I’ve come to cherish the brief, shining moments in my little garden. In many ways the simple task of planting something and watching it grow, while at the same time adding beauty and color to an otherwise drab exterior – well, it reminds me of something else; something bigger and older and quite simply, better than most of what I see and hear around me.

The flowers and plants remind me that some things in this life are still beautiful and worth fighting for – my wife and marriage, my Godchildren, my family and friends, and the Good and Truth that remains here against all odds. I find that God places little reminders everywhere, and usually they come right when I need them. And hence, the reason for this post. I mentioned in the last update that I would be telling some of the stories of living with 3 children not my own and the dramatic change that this has brought upon my wife and I. This is one of many, and like my flowers, it’s one way in which God has broken through the haze and blur of postmodern life and stirred this otherwise cold and sleepy heart.

The last couple weeks have been particularly trying for us as parents. Due to some unfortunate…

…developments with the children’s mother and her return to Indy and proximity to us and them, their behavior has reverted to extreme attention seeking, disrespect, and probably the most difficult of all, manipulation and lying to my wife and I. Not really unexpected, but difficult to deal with nonetheless. The older two, after having been suspended once from school for inappropriate behavior, were both separately suspended again within the same week. Elijah, the oldest, was the final straw. We had discussed with him the first time what the problem was, what his teacher and the principal of the school had told us, and what we expected to see improve. When, no more than three days later he was suspended again for the same actions, we were both frustrated and saddened that things hadn’t improved.

The crux of this whole event happened when we were issuing the punishment for him – that he had to bag up all of his toys and “fun things” in his room and give them to us for one week. We had decided with both Elijah and Kiera that after the second suspension they were to be grounded for one week, and would not be playing with their usual toys and games, nor watching any TV, which is limited anyway, but would now be non-existent. On top of all of this, as we were working with Elijah and directing him as he was cleaning out his room, I happened to check under his bed and found a most disturbing thing – multiple granola bar wrappers, as well as two whole, unopened bars. Certainly not scandalous to most, however, the rule in our house is that food is eaten downstairs, and that it is always asked for and given by an adult. This stems from a similar issue that we were made aware of when the kids moved in with us, and their habit of stealing things, especially food. When I saw the multitude of wrappers I knew immediately that he had been “sneaking” these upstairs for quite some time, as well as stealing and squirreling away other food, which we eventually found. Our home certainly is not without food, and most of us are very well fed…to say the least. Needless to say, we were both very upset and confronted him about it. He was angry and tried to shift the blame to us and to others, but in the end, with tears he confessed that he’d been stealing them and didn’t know why. We knew why and knew that there is some baggage that he carries that makes no sense logically or rationally, and certainly makes no sense to an 11 year old mind, but nonetheless drives him to do many things that quite simply DON’T make any sense. This was truly hard to take, and a blow to our pride that we had been “helping them change” over the past few months. I believe they are changing, but it’s easy to believe that things have changed more than they actually have. I believe the words that came out of my mouth were, “Elijah! I’m so disappointed and really very hurt that this entire time you’ve been lying to us and stealing from us! WHY?!?” There was no good answer besides the large tears dripping down his little face, and the brief words, “I don’t know. I’m sorry!”

The MOST difficult part was telling Elijah that he had to dismantle the 500 piece puzzle that he had spent a week and a half assembling and had proudly left intact on a piece of plywood on his bedroom floor. We knew that this was a key element in the mix, as it was one thing he truly cared about and would certainly be a way that he would understand the seriousness of the situation. So far, nothing else seemed to phase him. And so, sobbing, he took it apart, put it carefully back in its box, and put it in the black, unmarked trash bag with the rest of his toys and precious belongings. We allowed him to keep his icons, baptismal cross, and a poem from his mother in his room, all of which he had setup in a makeshift icon corner. Other than that, the bag was full.

I asked him sternly one more time, “Is that all?” and he replied, “Yes.” “Very well” I stated. “Take it downstairs to the back room. You can have it back in a week.”

And that’s when it happened. He lifted the bag, dropped it, and lifted it again, this time over his shoulder. The weight of it was overwhelming for his little frame. He was still crying and said in as somber and despairing a voice as I’ve ever heard, “It’s too heavy for me to carry!” I looked at him and said, “But you must. I’m sorry, but you must.” With that he screwed up his brow and with a great moan hoisted the bag again on his shoulder and began to walk downstairs. As that little boy walked away from me carrying a sack full of things and sobbing out, “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! It’s too heavy!” I began to weep. I watched from the top of the stairs as he carried this overwhelming burden and I wept.

I desperately wanted to help him, but I knew that he needed to carry this himself for awhile. He was in a very real way learning the weight of his own sin. And this is precisely what I saw; precisely what God reminded me of that day. As I watched him struggle down the stairs with a weight on his shoulders too great for him, and watched him manhandle it anyway, and yet still cry out for help – I saw it. I saw myself. I saw in that instance all the ways that I heap a multitude of sins upon myself and then I’m forced to carry the weight of that around. And often, I cry out, “Lord, help me, please!” And seemingly He does nothing. I must carry it for a little while, and then always in the end, He comes and helps me bear it.

In the end, after his grounding, I helped Elijah carry his things back upstairs to his room. I was glad to. His behavior had improved and I believe that he fully understood the riff his sins and selfish behavior had caused, and had cost himself and everyone else. I had to take an unplanned day off of work, as did Janna the first time he was suspended, and we discussed with him the simple truth that our actions don’t always just effect us. There was apology, forgiveness, and the words, I love you. And it was enough.

We know something else will ultimately happen again, but for now, I think a good lesson has been learned, and I’ve yet again encountered God breaking through this time and space and reminding me of what is real and true.

When I saw Eli carrying that and watched him struggle under the load I couldn’t help but weep as I was reminded of all of us. Sinners all, and often overwhelmed by the weight of what we are carrying around. And yet, nothing can get around the fact that more often than not, it is a load or our own sins, failings, and poor choices that we bear. We craft our own baggage and while we must sometimes walk under the strain of it all for a time, in the end, God stoops down, and carries it for us. Was this not the cross itself? The symbol of suffering and a load too great to bear – and yet He did bear it alone for our sakes, taking upon himself the sins of mankind.

Eli learned a valuable lesson, and in him I saw a mirror of myself carrying around my own garbage sack filled with the refuse of sin and death and all the little trinkets that I place value on but ultimately just weigh me down. I knew that this whole unfortunate event was about more than just Elijah getting into trouble – it was about me remembering to take responsibility for my own actions, and to take stock of the things that I ascribe value to in my own idolatry and hence am putting in my own bag, and to be thankful above all to God, who bears the load for us when we can’t possibly take any more.

I don’t know about you, but I need these reminders. And above all I’m thankful to God for them, especially in the form of our Godchildren. For truly, “Out of the mouths of babes…” the Lord speaks.

Christ is Risen!

Now, some are lost in shopping malls and some on battlefields
some are lost in suburbs…and some on capitol hill
some are lost on terminal wards…or in a nursing home
some are equally as lost between their headphones
but whatever your co-ordinates on your map of shame
whether close or far away…we’re all lost just the same

and that Birth of Births was like a death
under that hallowed star
still every father knows and cares
where his sons and daughters are

you may wake up a bit confused with the ache that’s in your heart
doesn’t matter if you get there by choice or got there by default
every birth shall come with tears and with youth there comes a cost
Jesus, what’s it like to grow up in the shadow of a cross?
where you take on more than you could know
and more than i’d ever wanna say
i put you there a long time ago
and i do it everyday

and that Birth of Births was like a death
under that hallowed star
still every father knows and cares
where his sons and daughters are” ~Bill Mallonee © 2005

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks to be sure. The weather here in NapTown has gone from a pleasant 65 degrees and blue skies to the more seasonal 45 degrees complete with the usual Novemberish ceiling of gray. In one word – oppressive. The skies seem to mimic what’s happening in my own life as well.

After a round of antibiotics to treat a bad sinus infection I found myself ill yet again with a bad cold. I can only presume that due to 6 weeks of being sick my immune system was just too weak to fight it off. So I spent yet another weekend and a couple days off of work feeling like crap and lying in bed with only my thoughts to keep me warm…well, that and a big fluffy blanket.

Our good friends, the Jewett’s, came to visit this past weekend, and as always it was a joy to be with them and have time for conversation and fellowship. We had missed them dearly and as the time for their own pending adventure nears we seem to cherish each time together a little more.

As a surprise bonus we had a visit from our friends, the Wendland’s, on Saturday afternoon. They traveled up from Cincinnati with their children to pick up a family member in the evening, but wanted to spend the day seeing old friends in Indy. Their 6 month old infant, Elias, has recently been diagnosed with Krabbe Leukodystrophy, a debilitating disorder that is marked by the slow progressive degeneration of the white matter of the brain. To put it in simple terms – it is a very bad and usually fatal disease. This information alone was shocking to receive and thus made the Wendland’s visit all the more poignant. The last time we’d seen them the wife was pregnant with Elias, so this was our first opportunity to see and hold him. He is beautiful and again I wept – both for the little boy and for his parents who are facing a hell that I can’t begin to imagine or comprehend. Lord have mercy. They were both hopeful and had been told that pending a couple of tests there may be treatment available for Elias. This was Saturday.

Today – Thursday, I came back to work only to discover that while I was gone two of my co-workers in our department had been RIF’d, or more accurately told that they were being laid off/fired as of January 31st. Happy Holidays. Our department is going through a “re-structuring” (as the muckity-mucks call it) and while things like this have been expected it is still somehow surprising when it happens. One of the folks RIF’d was actually told, “Well, we’re going to have to let you go because you don’t qualify for your position in the new organization because you don’t have a degree.” Wow. 60 years old, 10 years of loyal service in the same department, and she’s told that she doesn’t qualify for the job she’s been doing for those 10 years. This is corporate BS at its best to be sure. With these things happening I’ve discovered that my own job is in more jeopardy than I originally thought. I was told that “Well, your job is really necessary for now, so don’t worry.” Right. Necessary for now…and now ends…when? I felt like saying, “Yeah, well thanks, but I wasn’t born yesterday.” The almighty dollar and the “paper proof” always trumps the person and demonstrated ability and experience in these situations, so needless to say, I’m aggressively searching for a new job before the axe falls.

Finally, to finish off the day, I called the Wendland’s to check in and the news was grim. The doctors at the children’s hospital have decided that they will not proceed with treatment for Elias as it may result in a very poor quality of life for him and won’t prolong his life much more than expected now. Basically, his leukodystrophy is definitely fatal and he is not expected to survive past the age of 2. Again, I began to weep and pray fervently for him and for his parents and brother and sister. Lord have mercy! Christ have mercy! Lord have mercy! Please remember Elias and the Wendland family in your prayers.

So, mildly put, today has been rough. In the midst of trying to find the words to describe the range of emotions with all that has happened in the fortnight since I’ve posted, I received an email from Bill Mallonee about a free song for download. It was a piece I’d not yet heard from his prior year’s Christmas album. As I sat there listening to it I knew that once again God was breaking through the thick atmosphere of my despair and reminding me of the joy set before us. I found myself silently beginning to tear up yet again as right there in this simple song were the words I’d been searching for and desperately needed to hear. You can listen to the song on the player above (if you haven’t started already), and I’ve listed a few of the song’s lyrics from Bill’s ever astounding poetry. Once again, thanks be to God for Bill and his words.

Sometimes it seems that we are very alone here. I know I’ve said it multiple times in my last few posts, but things do seem rather bleak as of late. So much sadness, despair, and dark. So much that I don’t understand. It’s all overwhelming and the loneliness and wonder of where God is in all of this seems to take hold of me quickly. And yet, even now while writing this post, the sun pokes through the dark canopy of clouds and pours it’s rays of light on my sullen face. Like the song by Bill, the brilliant afternoon sun and countless other drops of dew on a dry heart bring me hope. The whole concept of the Son of God being born in cave is itself a sign to behold. Light Himself comes into a dark and dismal cave and transforms it into life and joy. I couldn’t ask for a better image than that. When the darkness deepens in this cave of a world God Himself breaks in and changes everything. And even when He seems so far away – even for Christ on the cross when it seemed that the Father had abandoned His own Son – even then, still every Father knows and cares where his sons and daughters are.

Today we begin the Nativity Fast and I’m reminded that Christmas is just around the corner. A time of year when the Light seems brighter and mankind less volatile; an event that the hope of all humanity hinges on regardless of race or creed. All is not lost after all…

…our Father knows and cares where His sons and daughters are.

These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” ~John 16:33

“I have come as a light into the world, that whoever believes in Me should not abide in darkness. And if anyone hears My words and does not believe, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world.” ~John 12:46-47

“Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness will fall on me,” even the night will be light about me; indeed, the darkness is not dark to You, and the night shines as bright as day…” ~Psalm 139:7-12

…I may always feel looking back on any past sin that in the very heart of my evil passion there was something that God approves and wants me to feel not less but more. Take a sin of lust. The overwhelming thirst for rapture was good and even divine; it has not got to be unsaid (so to speak) and recanted. But it will never be quenched as I tried to quench it. If I refrain…God will be guiding me as quickly as He can to where I shall get what I really wanted all the time. It will not be very like what I now think I want; but it will be more like it than some suppose. In any case it will be the real thing, not a consolation prize or substitute. If I had it I should not need to fight against sensuality as something impure; rather I should spontaneously turn away from it as something dull, cold, abstract, and artificial…

When we are tempted, we must remember that just because God wants for us what we really want and knows the only way to get it, therefore He must, in a sense, be quite ruthless towards sin… The more He loves you the more determined He must be to pull you back from your way which leads nowhere, into His way which leads you where you want to go… You may go the wrong way again, and again He may forgive you…but there is no hope in the end of getting where you want to go except by going God’s way…” ~C.S. Lewis

So, after a few months it’s time for another posting in the “Down the Path” series. The quote from Lewis (above) is one of my most favorite and one that has had a significant impact in my life. I was reminded of it after a difficult talk with an old friend yesterday, albeit one that ended well. The crux of our conversation was about desire, selfishness, longing, and the difficult task of finding our way in the world. It was good to catch up and to simply listen. As I mentioned in my last post it seems that life often just picks up speed and spins us around, and things move so quickly that we rarely stop and take the time to reflect on all that’s happened, or to catch up with old friends. There can quickly become a chasm of things unsaid, and that’s the real sadness of it all.

For me the sorrow consists in knowing how easily I forget those around me and pursue my own happiness. I was deeply grieved yesterday when I realized how long it had been since my friend and I had simply talked over a good drink, and then I began to think of the past and all the ways in which our lives have intertwined and the happiness and joy began to spread in me. The memories are warm and full of love and of the good things of God. But time slips through our fingers and if we’re not awake to it suddenly it’s gone. Things change – people change – and desires change. But I know that the love of brothers is something I don’t want to take for granted; and I do all too easily.

I think that for many the idea of happiness is a foreign thing – or at least a confusing thing. There are many different and conflicting versions of what happiness really is, spanning from material wealth to total abandonment. What things make me happy? Am I happy because of what I have, what I do, with who I am or who I know? Am I happy when my desires get fulfilled; when I get what I want? And what do I want, really? Is happiness the same as fulfillment? Is it the same as having no cares or burdens? What is it? And most importantly, how do I get it?

I can remember hearing a very good homily from an old EOC bishop when I was a much younger man that has stuck with me throughout my life. The title of the homily is “Being Happy and the Beatitudes” and drew parallels between the two. The bishop used the Good News for Modern Man which translates the Beatitudes differently. Instead of “Blessed are those who _____.” it says, “Happy are those who ____.” That translation changed the way I thought about happiness, as did the short paragraphs from Lewis above.

I know in my own life there are many times when I can’t seem to see my way ahead and wonder where I’m going. I often think about the desires in my heart – you know, those things that you want and when you’re really depressed you say to yourself, “If only I had…I could get that.” or “If only I was…then I’d be happy.” Replace the dots with whatever you’d like – job, money, friends, success, beauty, etc. I think everyone utters something similar at some point in their lives. It’s easy to think that external things would change our circumstances and thus our level of happiness, and honestly they very well may. However I know that for me the experience has been that I rarely end up getting what I want – even when I get what I want. Which is where Lewis’s quote comes into play. Ultimately I want what I think most people want; to be happy and content. The danger consists of me screwing that up by trying to get it my own way. And this is where Lewis’s words are life-saving.

It’s difficult to remember that God does indeed want what I want and wants to give it to me. Contrary to the popular belief in Christianity that if you’re happy and content then you’re not doing God’s will, He indeed has instilled desires in each one of us – desires that He Himself wants to fulfill and is pleased to do so. He wants us to be happy! But the more I fight to get what it is that I think I want, and the more I attempt to control my own destiny, the more unfulfilled I will become because ultimately, “…there is no hope in the end of getting where you want to go except by going God’s way.”

Life is full of joy and disappointment, understanding and confusion, hope and despair, and above all a longing for something more; to be in the presence of God and to be Home. The older I get the more I find that what makes me truly happy are surprisingly things that I already have. As I’ve said many times before glimpses come here and there, and today I’m reminded of these simple things in forgiveness and in the love of brothers. God’s love, His good, and his plans for me are infinitely better than anything I can conceive. I am thankful that even when the surroundings look strange and nothing makes sense, God will be guiding me, because He knows where it is that I long to go, and He knows the quickest way down the path. And as Mikey was fond of saying, “Man, what a ride!”

God grant me light enough for the next step, or if not, then give me the hope that drives out all fear.

I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for.” ~Jeremiah 29:11 (GNT)

“However, as it is written: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him…” ~1 Cor. 2:9

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.” ~James 1:17

“What seem our worst prayers may really be, in God’s eyes, our best. Those, I mean, which are least supported by devotional feeling. For these may come from a deeper level than feeling. God sometimes seems to speak to us most intimately when he catches us, as it were, off our guard.” ~C.S. Lewis

“Don’t be worried on account of the wicked; don’t be jealous of those who do wrong. They will soon disappear like grass that dries up; they will die like plants that wither. Trust in the Lord and do good; live in the land and be safe. Seek your happiness in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desire. Give yourself to the Lord; trust in him, and he will help you; he will make your righteousness shine like the noonday sun. Be patient and wait for the Lord to act; don’t be worried about those who prosper or those who succeed in their evil plans. Don’t give in to worry or anger; it only leads to trouble.” ~Psalm 37:1-8

“…I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.” ~Luke 11:9-13

Well, it’s been an interesting few weeks to be sure. After a very busy post-camp season, a trip to Virgina to see Chief Tim, a visit to The Jewett’s, and other general comings and goings, my wife and I were finally getting geared up for our annual trip to what I refer to as my “happy place” – Santa Barbara/Carpinteria, CA. Alack and alas but that trip never occurred. As Janna and I were packing for the trip on Wednesday the 3rd and beginning to get excited to fly out early the next morning, I suddenly realized that perhaps the overwhelming pain that was clenching my gut all afternoon might be more than just bad gas.

However, being a man I wanted to put off calling any professional medical type person until as late as possible. I still had my favorite trip of the year to go on! Be that as it may, around 11:00 pm, after a call to a nurse for some advice, and long past time to be asleep dreaming of the next few days full of sand, surf, sunshine and mountain adventures, I found myself lying in a less than comfy ER bed, barely clothed in the standard issue butt-less chap style hospital gown, pumped full of morphine and awaiting the final diagnosis of my abdominal woes. Within 30 minutes of a CT scan and some blood tests, a very young and kind looking female doctor entered the room and said, “Hi Luke! My name is Dr. Choi, and I’m your surgeon.” Dangit. Acute appendicitis. Dr. Choi explained it as, “Your appendix is very angry, so we need to take it out.” Although very well drugged at the time I do recall asking her what the odds are that I’d be able to get on a plane at 7:10 this morning. (By this time it was now about 2am.) She chuckled and said, “Well…no, you’re not going to be able to do that. I’m sorry, but hey! At least you’ll be alive!” Thanks doc. About 45 minutes later I was being prepped for surgery, and within another hour I was waking up with a dry mouth and no recollection of the past hour and a half nor the loss of the seemingly useless pseudo-organ that had just been harvested from me.

Long story short, I stayed in the hospital for less than 24 hours and they released me to the confines of my home, sweet home, and the care of my loving wife, along with a couple of bottles of some very nice and very strong pain killers. Needless to say, this was not the type of vacation and recovery that I had been planning. While it has it’s high points…right…West Indianapolis is in no ways similar to the West Coast and the salty Pacific. Although I was rather downcast at the time, my wife and folks helped me to see the obvious blessing in the whole situation – that this had occurred before I had gotten aboard the plane and out to warm Southern California. Good point, and begrudgingly I accepted the truth of it. I still don’t like it, as it seems more like rather bad timing to me, but “c’est la vie” I suppose. Oh, and I was told by the doctor that I needed to “be sure to try and pass gas as much as possible.” Due to the CO2 gas they pumped my abdominal cavity full of for the procedure I was given a prescription to pass gass… Brilliant! Things are looking up!

“There Is No Shadow Of Turning” probably seems like a very odd title for this blogpost I suppose, especially given this story. In truth it doesn’t make any sense with just the story itself. I wanted to share that little gem to illustrate what started off about two weeks of being depressed, or in a “funk”, (insert “selfish pouting” here…) as I like to call it. The appendicitis and missing my favorite vacation of the year were really just the last straw for me in a series of frustrating things. The near two weeks of recovery were good on one hand as they gave me time to just be still and quiet. Much has transpired in the last month, two months, well, the last year I suppose. Life can sometimes have a “swishifying effect”, as Moe the Bartender from the Simpson’s would say. It’s really amazing how many things can happen and how much a person can get swept up in the busyness of life to even really take stock of all that’s happened, happening, or may happen in the future. During my silent retreat of forced recovery I found myself doing that very thing and taking stock of the past year. It was a good time to grieve and rejoice, give thanks and finally to be really angry and then just depressed.

I think ultimately what had me so depressed is thinking about the sad state that the Church finds itself in, coupled with what I see, hear, and read on a daily basis about our world and it’s slow downward spin. This mixed with my own stuff made me question where I am and where I’m going – basically it was the “what are you doing with your life?” conversation that I think most of us have at various points along the path. I have to confess that sometimes I get overwhelmed when I think about this and about the evil and darkness that seems to persist despite my own best efforts to bring light, as my namesake implies. And now, when that darkness spreads into the Church (as it has in the past) it makes the dark seem even darker and hope seems bleak. And then it hits me…I’ve arrived. Yeah, I’ve ended up precisely where the Enemy desired me to be and prodded me towards. I’m sad, depressed, overwhelmed, isolated, and losing hope, looking for some way to shut off the pain around and within me and grasping at any little thing to numb out from the banal, hedonistic, selfish and greed filled world pushing in on me. Looking for something…something…something. But not Someone. Someone? No, “He’s too far away. He doesn’t care, obviously! He turns a blind eye! He cares nothing for the woes of man. It’s all dark and fading and He will do nothing to stop it. And you are powerless to change anything.”

And that’s the best tool I think the Enemy has in his bag of tricks. If we can be convinced that there is no hope then we can be deceived into believing that faith and love can do nothing. And then we begin to despair and cease to care about anyone or anything around us and ultimately we become indifferent. And that is the Enemy’s goal – not to make us hate God, but to be indifferent to Him and to those around us. Truly, “the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.” [Elie Wiesel]

This life is fading away. Like the scriptures say, we are like grass. We are but ashes and dust and things do seem bleak. But I do see love breaking through here and there. And because I see it in my wife, my friends, my family, in Liturgy or at Vespers, at camp, at work amongst strangers, in my niece and nephew and in my Godchildren, in the changing of the leaves when the Earth sighs after a long Summer, and in the beauty of a rainy day – then I begin to hope. The Imprint is still there, and even if these are the Shadowlands there is still Light coming from Somewhere where shadows exist not. What matters really is Faith, Hope, and Love as the Apostle said. And like the scriptures say above, when all else seems bleak, and when I’ve run all the usual routes to numb out and avoid God, when I’m at my wits end and asking why he seems to have abandoned us to the Dark, finally, when I’m quiet enough to listen I hear him speaking – because He will never give me a stone when I ask for bread and always gives to those who ask. The instant I turn back He’s right there where he’s been all along. And then I begin to understand – because of Love He doesn’t answer my selfish rage and anger. Because of Love He doesn’t make me choose Him over myself and my own pleasure. Because of Love He is silent because He has already answered in that one final act. It is finished. The world will continue to speed out of control and slide further into the abyss, but there is hope and happiness because of the Resurrection.

I don’t know – this may seem obvious to most, but these past couple of weeks it seemed impossible to grasp for me. I fell right into the trap that was laid for me and while I’m pouting and banging my head against the wall demanding that God answer me, He does, but not in the way I wanted. This time, as in other times, it was through Bill Mallonee – almost as if He is saying, “Well, since you can’t hear me right now, hear this guy who is speaking about me.” I just “happened” to come across this song I’d forgotten about while sitting on my comfy couch despairing about all of this.

Pearl of great price, pearl of great price…the billboards they’re all lies. The world will search and substitute for what never satisfies. There is no shadow of turning with Thee when the waves of my sin come rolling over me. Grow ye never weary, grow ye never weary of doing all the good you wanna do; keep your hands unto the plow and He will see you through.” ~Bill Mallonee

Sometimes all I need is a reminder. Just a little splash of light in the dark and I can see my way forward again. I’m sure this is no earth shattering revelation for many, but when you forget and lose your way, I find it’s often the simplest things that lead you back. I will keep my hand to the plow and push on in love, and with faith and hope that one day I will no longer “see in a mirror dimly, but face to face.”

So today, I’m thankful for Bill. I’m thankful for light. I’m thankful for rain. And I’m thankful for all those that have gone before and left little reminders along the way – that things are not as grim as the Evil One would like to make them out to be. Most of all I’m thankful for the mercy, grace, and love that is offered me and that there is no shadow of turning – even when I do. Thank God for that.